Only I didn't say fudge...

Madeline and I spent Saturday baking Christmas delights at my mother-in-law's house. My sister-in-law made adorable and delicious sugar cookies. Janna made amazing chocolate-dipped Rice Krispy treats. And I wanted to make fudge.

Because I'm insane, I decided to try Martha Stewart's chocolate fudge recipe.

Yes, that was my first mistake.

It was an... um... interesting process. Here's how it all went down:

Martha says:
To make amazing fudge, you will need a clean work surface, such as a marble slab.

Katie read it as:
Some of you may not have a marble slab because you decided to pay the heating bill rather than buy one. In your case, cross your frugal fingers and hope a 9" x 13" casserole dish will do the trick.

Martha says:
Stir together the first five ingredients until edges are bubbling.

Katie read it as:
Do not question Martha when she says to dump in nine cups of sugar. It looks like enough to cause your veins to begin coursing with pure sugar. Stir in the first five ingredients and try to not screw this up. It would only be like flushing $10 down the toilet if it doesn't turn out. No pressure.

Martha says:
Continue to cook without stirring until mixture reaches 238 degrees on your candy thermometer.

Katie read it as:
Continue to stir continuously until your arm is about to fall off. Begin referring to Martha as a slave-driver in your head. While taking the temperature, make sure to drop your candy thermometer in the mixture at least three times. Then realize you made a colossal error because you shouldn't have been stirring at all after 50 minutes of continuous stirring. Drop to your knees and pray fervently that you didn't just mess everything up.


Martha says:
Remove pan from heat. Let cool to 160 degrees. Pour mixture on cool marble slab. Spoon vanilla on top of mixture and let cool to almost room temperature for 15 minutes.

Katie read it as:
Remove pan from heat. Drop chocolate-covered candy thermometer in mixture again. Pour mixture in 9" x 13" casserole dish. Decide to rush home. Put your child to bed.
Relax while playing Boggle with husband. Lose all sense of time.

Martha says:
Begin pulling fudge in a figure-eight motion, moving from the bottom right, then up and over to the top left, before pulling back down to the right. Repeat, moving from the bottom left, then up and over to the top right, before pulling back down, pushing fudge onto itself.

Katie read it as:
Once you let your mixture cool way too much, begin carving the number 8 in the mixture. Congratulations! You've officially ruined the fudge.

Martha says:
Continue in this manner until you see a sudden change in appearance of fudge, from glossy to matte, 12 to 15 minutes.

Katie read it as:
Don't worry about appearances. You'll never get it right. Just laugh hysterically with your husband as every sign indicates this fudge is beyond repair.

Martha says:
Spread fudge on wax-lined baking sheet. Press lightly with buttered fingertips to smooth fudge.

Katie read it as:
Again, there is no hope. Just slop it in the pan and go to bed.


And that's how I made "fudge" on Saturday. Sadly, it didn't turn out. While it does taste good, it's incredibly gritty. Seriously, it's like eating a mouthful of chocolate-y sand.

Nothing says, "Merry Christmas!" like gritty fudge.

However, it is good for one thing.

Last night, realizing we had 64 square inches of fudge left, I melted some down, mixed in milk and created the most wonderful, so-rich-it'll-make-your-jaw-lock-up hot chocolate.

So really, let's just pretend I make a wonderful hot chocolate mix over the weekend. M'kay? Thanks.

P.S. Tons of friendship bonus points if you know what movie I quoted for my post title.