And to think people used to live without phones

I was isolated from Planet Earth this past week. My phone decided to not work on Monday morning, our Internet was popped in and out and Madeline got a cold so we weren't able to hang out with friends.

Even though it was kinda annoying to not have those communication conveniences, it was nice to unplug from everything for a few days. Even though I like texting, it was pleasant to not grab my phone every time it dinged. And even though I wondered a few times if I had any e-mails waiting for me, it was great to not sit in front of the computer during Madeline's nap.

OK, did you really believe any of that??

Of course I'm lying. I was DYING all last week to not be able to call, text, check my e-mail or read your blogs. And not having my BlackBerry was like not having my left arm. It was torture.

It started on Monday morning when I read an omnious "OFF" in the upper-right corner on the screen. The phone was on but was disconnected from the network. You know, the network you need to be able to call, text or hop on the Internet. Kinda crucial to this home-bound mom.

I got on the Sprint Web site to see what support they offer. Turns out, if you have a problem with your phone, they don't want you to e-mail them. They want you to call so they can "resolve the issue speedily."

Which would be fine IF I HAD A WORKING PHONE.

It was a long saga that included eight hours talking to seven, count 'em, seven different customer service representatives through the next two evenings using Joe's phone. I know I normally exaggerate numbers but I'm not this time. I kept track, knowing it was an epic blog saga in the making.

I lost eight precious hours of my life listening to Sprint commercials, attempting to provision my phone (whatever that means) and repeating, "No, provisioning didn't work. It says 'Error 1012.' Again." while trying to not totally lose it.

You know Albert Einstein's famous quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"?

Someone needs to explain that to the customer service representatives at Sprint. During a conversation, one rep had me try provisioning 11 TIMES IN A ROW. And the funny part was, he seemed genuinely surprised when it failed. All. Eleven. Times.

My favorite conversation was with the fifth rep I talked to. His name was Anthony and I pictured him wearing a backwards baseball cap. He was memorable in the bad sense.

After explaining my problem, Anthony had me try his brilliant troubleshooting idea: provisioning. I restrained myself from releasing a snort of derision.

Anthony: "Let's try something called provisioning."

Me: "OK, I can, but just to let you know, I've done it several (in my head, a bazillion) times and it will reconnect to the network for about 20 seconds and then disconnect. But (trying to sound upbeat and optimistic) I can do it again if you want to."

Anthony: "Oh, you have? Well, I'd like to try it again. It should work."

Me: "OK, I'm doing it."

(moment of silence)

Me: "OK, it reconnected."

Anthony: "Oh, good. Well, hopefully you're all set."

Me: "Um, can you stay on the line for a little bit longer because -- yeah, OK, it disconnected again."

Anthony: "Oh, really? Man...."

(long pause)

Clueless Anthony: "Oh, so you, like, really haven't been able to use your phone, have you?"

(long, uncomfortable pause)

Me: "Yeah. That's why I'm calling... again."

If there was a way to climb through the phone connection and throttle the person on the other end, I would have achieved it at that moment.

The last rep was my favorite. After I explained the problem, I went into detail about how many times I've called, how much time I lost and that I really needed my phone to be fixed.

There's a strong possibility I ranted.

I groaned inwardly when she asked me to try provisioning but she followed her request with, "I will only ask you to do it once. Then we'll try one other thing and if that doesn't work, I'm sending you a new phone "

Blessed, blessed words.

When it failed for the thirtyonemillionth time (OK, now I'm slightly exaggerating), she took my info for a new phone. Our conversation lasted shorter than 10 minutes.

If it were possible to climb through a phone connection and plant a kiss on the person on the other end, I would have achieved it at that moment. I had to restrain myself from audibly professing my love for her.

My new phone arrived a few days later. I wanted shout from a mountain top. But I didn't have a mountain top. (Name that movie.)

Joe just wondered why I'm blogging about this. He thought I would want to let go of those awful memories. But it was actually theraputic writing it all out. At the very least, it was cathartic to make fun of Anthony.

No, honestly, I wrote it out to say if you left me a voicemail or text last week, I don't hate you; I just didn't get it. Hopefully you now understand why.

If not, call Anthony. He can help you. (And yes, now I'm snorting with derision.)