A couple of weeks ago, Madeline was feeling scared at bedtime and asked if we could check on her after a little while. I immediately reassured her that Joe and I check on her every night. I wasn't expecting her entire face to light like she was watching Peyton connect to Reggie in the end zone.
"You mean you come in when I'm sleeping and look at me?!" She was in awe that we tiptoe into her bedroom every night just to make sure she's safe and sleeping. She became downright giddy when I told her I even give her kisses while she's dreaming.
This piece of information has become a source of immense joy and comfort to her. I wish I knew three years ago what it would mean to her because I would have told her every night since then that it's true.
Now she always asks at bedtime, "You'll come check on me after I'm asleep, right?" And every night, she revels in knowing our love will come, even though she won't be in a state to receive it. It gives me so much joy to give her this kind of strengthening comfort when darkness falls.
Last weekend, I attended the Women of Faith conference. If I'm being honest, I bought my ticket solely to hear Angie Smith. I've followed her blog for four years and absolutely love her passion for God, her humor that makes me laugh at a computer screen and her love for all things Target. But I was really thrilled to enjoy all the speakers, especially Sheila Walsh. Her stories and perspectives moved me deeply.
She shared an intense, personal story that I couldn't even dare to retell here but that experience made John 10 a vivid reality to her. Through tears, she reminded us that it is not our job to find our way home. It is the Shepherd's job and He always knows where to find us.
"The Shepherd always knows where to find me."
Having a child has helped me experience God's love in a radically different way. In my head, I've always known God is our Heavenly Father but I never really thought much about it until college. There I learned from other women how a terrible father can dynamically distort a person's view of God. My own dad is a fantastic man and has only helped me draw closer to God, never a barrier. Because of his example, I was thankfully fine, even if not overly-enthused, with God as my Heavenly Father.
But when I became a mom and as I watched Joe become a dad, I saw God as my Heavenly Father in a new and different way. The moment I first held Madeline, I had a burning love for my baby and knew I would do anything to protect her. Over the next several months, I spent hours in the white glider, stroking Madeline's thick hair while she nursed, thinking over and over, "This is how much God loves me. No, He loves me even more, more than I can imagine.
Madeline's joy with having parents who check on her reminds me once again how much God loves me. He knows I am a creature who struggles with fear and needs constant reminders that I am loved, that I am safe and that I matter to God and other people. And just like how I love to watch Madeline sleep, knowing she is safe, God absolutely delights in reassuring me that I am safe, that I am loved and that I do matter to Him and other people. That's why I love the Bible; it tells me these things over and over again.
Joe and I don't check on Madeline because she asked us. We've been doing it since she tumbled into our lives. We check on her because we love seeing her safe with her legs curled and her knees touching her chest.
On the nights when her legs dangle over the edge of the bed, her arms uncomfortably thrown above her head, I don't ask Joe to move her because Madeline asked me. No, we move her because we don't want her to wake up stiff and sore.
We are incapable of not taking care of her and I believe God takes care of me because His very nature is love and His love for me is wide and deep and unconditional.
If I'm sleeping or awake, the Shepherd knows where to find me.
If I'm trying desperately to be the good girl or if I'm deliberately walking away from God to become a black sheep, the Shepherd knows where to find me.
If I'm hurt or in a painful position, the Shepherd knows where to find me.
Whether I'm caring or selfish, happy or mad, pretty or unable to fit in my fat jeans, trusting of God or fearful of everything, He will leave the other 99 sheep to rescue me because He always knows where to find me.
I find so much joy, hope and promise in knowing that is the vivid reality for all of us.
"In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world!"
John 16:33
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