Happy

I'm feeling very blessed and happy and warm fuzzy this week. Nothing has happened, every circumstance in my life -- the good and the bad -- is the same but I feel renewed, like I'm suddenly aware of how much goodness is in my life.

Here are a few things making me ridiculously happy these days.

1. I scored soft gray sweatpants at Goodwill for $1 and looooove them. I'm not claiming to look smoking hot in them or even semi-decent and presentable. They are just really, really, really comfy and I love them. I might wear them until Baby Rockne is born.

2. Madeline often makes up songs and sings really loudly. I kid you not, these were the lyrics to today's song:

"Peyton Manning,

he had to have surgery.

But he's gonna get better

and he's gonna play football again.

No more surgeries!

No more surgeries!"

She sang this at the park and another mom heard it. 

Park mom: "I really like your daughter's song."

Me: "Me too."

Park mom: "I totally agree with her."

Me: "Me too."

3. This afternoon, I set out color beads, letter beads and thin elastic so Madeline could make her own necklace and I could lie down on the couch and watch "Leap Year." She asked me to make something too and since I could do it lying down, I couldn't really say no. I decided to spell out "trust" and even though I'm sporting the same jewelry as a 4-year-old, every time I look at my wrist, I remember that God is watching over everyone that I love and every dream I hold dearly. Even though I struggle with fear and trusting Him, there is no one/nothing else I want to entrust my life to. 

(I shouldn't end that sentence with a preposition but "to which I want to entrust my life" just sounds pretentious. And I think I'm pretty far from pretentious. Probably my love for Big Brother, buffalo chicken cheese dip and "Bleeding Love" makes that abundantly clear.)

4. Madeline and I heard Baby Rockne's heartbeat at the doctor this week. Madeline calls the heartbeat sound "the train" and while I love listening to it, I absolutely cannot wait to hold that tiny body against my chest. For now, I'll keep on loving the tremendous, belly-shifting somersaults, courtesy of high fluid.

5. We're studying Habakkak in our small group. I've always liked this tiny book in the Bible but I am getting just so much from it this time around. Third trimester is pregnancy limbo in my eyes but Habakkak is such a great reminder to wait on God, believe that He is in control with more wisdom than we can fathom and turn my worry into worship, even if I can't see how situations will turn out.

6.  Jenny recommended "The IT Crowd" to us and we've been watching episodes in bed at night. It is hilarious and if you like British humor, you really should check it out.

7. Speaking of fantastic TV, I just love Rachel Zoe and Roger. And her rows and rows of shoes and white house.

8. I know I've talked a lot about Adele recently but I just discovered the Adele Pandora station and my bliss was multiplied.

9. I learned a friend is pregnant with twins. The world is such a better place when I hear two tiny heartbeats are added to this world and it's impossible to not smile when I hear news like that.

10. I feel like it's unethical or immoral or something to stop a list at nine items. So is there anything small like gray sweatpants or something major (typed with Posh's voice in my head) making you happy this week?

Madeline and the glasses

Last weekend, we went to the eye doctor because Joe and I both needed new glasses about a year ago but prefer to put off menial tasks like improving our vision until it becomes absolutely necessary.

I reached my "absolutely necessary" point when I visited a friend in the hospital who just had a new baby and she was sporting a pair of cute glasses. And I remembered how I wasn't allowed to wear contacts in the hospital when I had Madeline. Which means if this baby came today, I wouldn't be able to see my own flesh and blood because my glasses broke a year ago and I would just sit in the hospital bed, listening to other people tell me how cute my baby is.

So I made the appointments the next day.

Back to the eye appointments, Madeline became enamored with the thought of wearing glasses when she found the rack of kiddie-size glasses and begged, literally begged, me to buy her a pair also.

I wasn't swayed to buy her an $80 medically-unnecessary toy but I was willing to go to Target, buy a pair of reading glasses from The Dollar Spot and pop out the lenses. That effort resulted in her now looking like this:

If we owned a camera, I would take a better photo of her cuteness but we all know how that story ends. 

And apparently when I bought her glasses for 100 pennies, I grew an extremely large forehead. My apologies. FOCUS ON HER.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and let Madeline take pictures with my phone while the doctor called me big again.

And if anyone has any recommendations for a non-fancy, point and shoot camera that they love and can survive in the bottom of a diaper bag with smushed raisins and Cheerio crumbs, let me know. My goal is to *gasp* buy a camera before the baby comes because I think it would be kinda nice to document his or her arrival without the aid of a cell phone.

Week 30 - Big ain't just a Tom Hanks movie

(Prologue: I think my baby is wearing a very thick scarf or sweater with cowl. Also, two words: chubby bunny.)

I've only been pregnant twice but both of my pregnancies had dramatic episodes. The only silver lining to having some worries about the baby means ultrasounds. Lots and lots of ultrasounds.

For this baby, I've already had six. Which is nice as long as my baby continues to look perfect.

I had another ultrasound today because I'm still measuring big. Last week, as soon as I laid down on the table, my doctor immediately said, "You're even bigger." I guess "experienced practitioner" means he can spot a big preggo without even blinking.

Turns out I measured 36 weeks pregnant at only 29 weeks.

It's every woman's dream to be described as big by multiple people, over and over again, right? (And we're not even going to discuss the weight I put on in the last two weeks.)

At the ultrasound today, we learned that Baby Rockne is about 4 pounds, 5 ounces of perfection (even though that weight is...uh...big) and I'm carrying even more fluid than before. Wanna learn a big scary-sounding word that is actually reassuring? Idiopathic polyhydramnios.

That's what I am. A preggo carrying lots of fluid for an unknown reason. But I like those two words because they mean the doctors and technicians can't find a thing wrong with my baby so I will most likely deliver a big, healthy baby without any complications.

You know, other than the annoyance of my belly being stretched beyond what strangers in the grocery store think is normal.

Wanna see something interesting? This is a chart which shows the percentiles for amniotic fluid measurements according to the baby's gestation age. You can see where I very neatly circled week 30 like a 3-year-old.

So most people measure around 14.5 and a few measure 25.8 in the 97th percentile.

Yeah, I measured 30 today. Boo.

But again, we were reassured that everything looks great for the baby and I'm actually feeling really good these days. Good enough to go camping this past weekend (which is a whole other post, including my latest love: instant hot chocolate with a shot of Almond Joy coffee creamer. BLISS, I TELL YOU!)

The baby wasn't cooperating very much during the headshot portion of the ultrasound so we didn't get very good view of that little chubby face. But the baby was smart enough to show off kidneys, heart, spine and everything else that's really important at this point and that's good enough for me.

Plus, I know this baby is beyond adorable anyways. I don't need the pictorial proof.

Because of all the fluid, the baby is constantly changing positions. Big, rolling, weird movements. Like flipping around completely. The movements feel very strange but I like them at the same time.

It is a gift to feel this baby inside of me and I am thankful for each movement, no matter how painful or ticklish they are because this babe is a life who is very, very loved.

Epilogue: I like to think the baby is making the downward motion of the Eminem "you betta lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it" hand wave. Anyone else see it? Anyone? Bueller?

It's really detailed. I just wanted to remember it.

Yesterday was one of those "I love staying home" days that makes you feel weepy by the end of the day. Good weepy, not tired sobs.

I walked Madeline into preschool and after hanging up her bag and clipping her clothespin to the "Who's Here Today" board, she ran straight into her classroom. I asked her to come back into the hallway to give me a kiss and while all the other moms were dolling out squeezy hugs and smacky kisses, she pressed her face into my big belly to kiss the baby and darted back to her teacher. 

She's got a lot of love for school and Baby Rockne wrapped up in her little heart. In her eyes, I might just be a baby-carrying chauffeur these days. I'm not complaining because she still needs snuggles from me in the morning, afternoon and night.

I went grocery shopping BY MYSELF YA'LL.It was a momentous event. But when Madeline climbed into her booster seat after preschool, she scanned the brown bags and looked at me with sad eyes.

"You went grocery shopping without me?"

Break my heart, kid. Break. My. Heart.

And to rub salt in the wound, she asked if I remember peanuts for our fall candy mixture that will reside in the glass pumpkin for the next few months. Of course I forgot. I didn't have a 4-foot-tall chatty, "memory like an elephant", walking reminder with me.

We drove over to Joe's aunt and uncle's house to pick up fresh eggs. They have chickens and one scary-looking rooster and Wednesdays are our brown egg pick-up day.

In her dress and white knee-highs, Madeline followed her fire-fighting great-uncle around for the next hour. She tossed scraps to the chickens so he could carry her into the hen house and collect the fresh eggs. Then a mama and baby deer were grazing in the neighbor's yard so they tromped over to get a closer look. Then she followed him with a big coffee can so he could fill it with banana peppers, sweet peppers, hot chili peppers and okra from their garden.

Then Uncle Dan dug up a mound of earth and Madeline sat down and tossed big potatoes into a pile. Have you ever seen someone dig for potatoes? I found it fascinating. It was such an unassuming pile of dirt but the potatoes spilled out and rolled until her little fingers stopped them.

We came home and I really did not want to put away all the groceries. I've been contracting a lot recently and get worn out by 9 a.m. But I thought Joe might not like to come home to $100 worth of spoiled food so I was the responsible adult and put away groceries and made lunch.

After we cleared the table, Madeline made pumpkin dip all by herself and thought that was the bomb-diggity. She's getting so good at scraping out cans and measuring spices. But I think she will do anything to lick a sweet-covered beater.

We read a chapter of "Ramona the Pest" and Madeline was very concerned when Ramona walked away from kindergarten. We had a long talk on her bed about unconditional love and behaving well in school. Then we sang and prayed together before her nap time.

I was so tired but wanted to make dinner for a friend who never complains, despite having four children including two twin babies AND a surgery last week. And despite my tiredness, I was pretty excited to scrub the fresh potatoes for my favorite potato soup.

Finally, the soup was done and my kitchen was a disaster but I didn't care. I sat down and finished Nene's book. (Oh, the shame in admitting that.) When I stretched out, I felt the baby move a lot and I laid there with a big smile on my face like a doofus.

Then Miss Cranky Pants woke up from her nap and perked up only when I said it was time to go visit our friends and drop off dinner.

The girls played Bride, Bridesmaids and Wedding while I held a baby and caught up with my friend, as much as two tired moms can catch up in 10 minutes.

We came home and I have never been more grateful when Joe said he had to work late. I might like to call myself a writer but it's hard to find the words to describe just how bad the house looked.

So I cranked up Adele (who else these days) and Madeline and I literally CLEANED UP. She is an amazing help around the house these days, especially when it comes to pick stuff up off the floor. It might sound like such a small thing but to a mama who cannot bend over, it's everything.

Then I heated up a bowl of creamy soup and we talked about our day. Her favorite part was playing with the Play-Doh at school and digging for potatoes. My favorite part was the potatoes, too. Then we headed to the couch and read the last chapter of Ramona. Madeline was very relived when Ramona decided to go back to school.

Then Joe came home and Madeline told him all about our day and asked us to form a line and dance in a circle while she sang a song from school. We obliged and anyone who peeked into our windows last night probably thought we lost our minds. Then she changed into her pjs and we cuddled on the bed while watching the first few minutes of "Survivor." She was pretty fascinated.

We did our bedtime routine and she really didn't want to go to bed, as evidenced by her eternal prayer in which she prayed for every single person she has ever met or heard about.

I kissed her good-night and Joe tucked her in. Then we heated up our bowls of soup and two large big hunks of garlic bread and watched "Survivor" just to pass the minutes until the "Big Brother" finale.

Which we watched every minute of until CBS decided to cut the connection and we missed the last 15 minutes. Then Joe's cousin called me to discuss the anguish of missing the end and told me to Google "who on Big Brother." She found a blog which described the last few minutes in vivid detail with pretty good humor.

With the happy knowledge that my choice for most-deserving houseguest won, I passed out pretty quickly with my body pillow and my husband.

It was just one of those days when I love my life and can't believe I get to live it. It might look boring to anyone else but it's days like these that are making my life so happy.

A lot of nothing on my mind but here's a list

1. We're going camping this weekend with friends from our small group. I think it's going to be a blast but I'm slightly afraid it could be a nightmare. These days I have trouble falling asleep in my bed with three pillows and one giant body pillow so I'm banking on an air mattress providing the best sleep ever. (Denial is sweet, folks.) Let's not even discuss the 2 a.m. trip to a campground restroom. DENY, DENY, DENY!

2. I'm a bit of a lost soul during Madeline's preschool. I just don't know what I want to do with the time which is why I'm currently blogging at the library on a Tuesday morning so I can avoid the empty house. I think I'm not good at being by myself. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

3. Tomorrow night is the Big Brother finale. I've had strong opinions about the housemates all season, especially Rachel. But now that she has survived all the way to the finale in her furry boots? I'm pulling for her to win.

4. The new Rachel Zoe season started last week. I DIE. It was bananas. I think I like Jeremiah but I'll also keep you updated on that too.

5. I'm now in the third trimester. THIS IS ALSO BANANAS. I can never remember how many weeks I am so I broke down and added a Lilypie baby counter on the bottom of my blog. Because I am FOR REAL losing it these days. I'm not exactly sure of my brain's location but I think it's floating somewhere in a field with unicorns and buttercups.

6. I still apologize for all the capitalized words so far but I still think they're necessary. I feel every emotion STRONGLY these days. (Please see previous post about meltdown in car if you are in doubt.)

7. I made a new black bean and corn dip last weekend. I saw it on BooMama's DipTacular so I knew it had to be good. It contains lime juice and feta cheese. I now have to restrain myself from making it every day so I don't grow tired of it. Because this dip? Is awesome. I ate it for dinner on Saturday night and lunch on Sunday. When I find something I like, I'm not really all about variety. (The same reason why I'm listening to Adele non-stop.)

8. Madeline and I put up our autumn decorations around the house yesterday. She is now obsessed with fall and Halloween. After I woke up this morning and got some water, I came back to my bed to find that she decorated the bed with:

• a Halloween book
• a pumpkin teddy bear
• a pumpkin necklace
• a Halloween snowglobe
• her pumpkin bucket for trick-or-treating
• and a wood pumpkin she decorated last year

I would show you all of this with a picture I took on my phone but when I uploaded it just now, I realized that would mean you all can see my incredibly messy nightstand. And while I may profess my love for Big Brother and Rachel Zoe, I just can't cross that line.

My heart is really gone walking

Last week was Madeline's first week of preschool. She goes three morning a week, just for two hours. I think it will be the perfect amount for her to have a school experience and for me to not miss her too much.

On her first morning, she was snuggled between Joe and me and woke me up by touching my face with her palm and whispering, "Mommy! I can go to school today, right?" Joe stayed home and made breakfast, complete with a giant, sticky pancake just for her on served on the "You Are Special Today" plate.

We had a lovely, relaxed morning. The only thing I had to do was find a warm outfit for her since we woke up to a chilly fall morning. And her drawers were filled with tanks and shorts.

We savored each minute, watching her excitement build and build. She was thrilled that the day finally arrived but she asked me twice if I was going to miss her.

I take this kid to the grocery store, to doctor appointments, to my haircuts, everywhere. It would be impossible to not miss her but I could honestly tell her I wasn't sad because I knew she was going to have a blast.

After a wonderful morning, we drove to preschool where we quickly realized I mixed up the minutes of drop-off and pick-up. One was at quarter after, the other on the half hour. So Madeline was nearly 10 minutes late on her first day.

Big. Fat. Mom. Fail.

I had expected to hold hands with Joe while we watched her hang her bag on the hook, stand in the cramped hallway with her little classmates and their parents and enjoy sending her off. Instead, we quickly kiss her and shooed her inside the classroom. And then I melted into tears on the sidewalk.

She had no idea she was late and was happy to run into the classroom but I'm an unreasonably sad woman when my expectations are unfulfilled and suddenly Joe had a mess in the passenger seat.

She loves school. Loves, loves, loves school and I love hearing all about it when I pick her up.

It's weird to drive around in silence with an empty booster seat. I ran errands on her first day. I went shopping for fall clothes on her second day. On the third morning, I went home for the first time without her and immediately cranked up Adele while I cleaned the house. 

I'm not sad while she's at school. I just feel like I'm missing an important part of me. Like an arm or leg or heart. It's just very strange.

She might be a piece of their puzzle but she's always be our girl.

We remember

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I was in my dorm room at Ball State, getting ready for Political Science 101. A girl suddenly started running down the hallway, banging on doors and yelling at everyone to turn on the TV.

She was freaking out but when I turned on the TV and listened to Matt Lauer and Katie Couric describe how a plane hit one of the World Trade Center towers, I didn't understand her panic. I just thought, "What a horrific accident."

When I watched the second plane hit the other tower, I thought how bizarre that a second plane could also accidentally hit the buildings. My mind simply could not process that this was intentional. 

Then Matt or Katie said they didn't have confirmation from any government officials but this was clearly a terrorist attack. I remember slowly realizing this was done on purpose to hurt America and I felt very vulnerable.

In the middle of no name Muncie, Indiana, I felt scared. My brother Greg called and asked if he could watch the coverage with me. I was so grateful at that moment that I followed my older brother to Ball State.

Together, we watched the news focus on the Pentagon. Then on a field in Pennsylvania. And suddenly it was overwhelming to comprehend the coordination of the attacks and how many lives were lost.

I felt extremely thankful to not only see Greg that day but also my dad. He happened to be working on campus just that one day. I was so happy to hug my dad in the parking lot outside my dorm.

Ten years later, I can remember that day so well but I'm now a parent and have the responsibility to explain September 11 to another generation.

It was impossible for Madeline to think today was just another day. We watched some coverage this morning before church. Two hook and ladder firetrucks were parked outside our church displaying a huge American flag. First responders stood between Colts and Texan players as an even bigger American flag was spread across the football field. People held American flags on overpasses and passing cars blared their horns.

While I don't want Madeline to watch any intense footage or know the gritty details of death and terrorists, I do want her to know this is a very special and sad day for America. I want her to know we are proud of our country. I want her to know we need to be thankful for firefighters, police officers, EMTs and ER doctors and nurses. I want her to know God always loves us and He is always in control.

When she's older, she will watch the towers fall, know the immense number of people who died and she will understand this was an act of war.

But for now, she can know it's important to always display a flag outside our home and to thank firefighters with cookies and brownies. Because with or without all the details, it's important to remember.

There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth

Before I start this post, I have to share this video. Big Mama shared it earlier this week and once I watched it, I was hooked. I didn't know this level of class was available on MTV.

I'm also contemplating naming my baby Adele if it's a girl. (Totally not joking.)

So the big news this week is I have/had kidney stones. I had some pains earlier this week and then Wednesday night happened. I now know why men say stones are as bad as labor because y'all? I needed my epidural and a black bean burger to be delivered once I survived.

(Seriously, my hospital has THE best black bean burgers. You know how a focal point is recommended during labor? When Madeline was born, I stared at her ultrasound picture and a tiny pair of pink knitted booties. This time, I might ask to stare at a black bean burger on a plate.)

Joe and I admitted to each other yesterday that we both thought I really was in labor on Wednesday night. He didn't want to say it because he knew I would totally freak out. I didn't say it because if I said it out loud, I would totally freak out. 

I think that's pretty solid evidence that I will never be sorted into Gryffindor.

The next morning, I went to my doctor who confirmed exactly what I was thinking. Something was messed up. That's as much as I knew but thankfully she knew more and said I most likely had kidney stones, a kidney infection and possibly a bladder infection.

The best news of all is the baby is completely fine and has been kicking and moving through all of this. My worst fear was delivering a 27-week preemie this week but knowing the baby is fine and I just have to deal with myself? Totally manageable.

Until the curve ball of "hospitalization" was thrown at me. My doctor let me go home if I promised to rest and drink at least four liters of water but to report to the hospital if the pain worsened.

I would promise to drink four liters of sludge if I could just go home to Joe and Madeline instead of a hospital.

Once I got in the car, I had a complete breakdown with Joe on the phone. I felt much better when I hung up but a little sad that he has an emotional Marianne Dashwood for a wife.

Once I recovered, I could think clearly through what I needed to survive the afternoon at home. I needed Target like Rachel needs her fiance and furry boots. I needed basic survival gear: prescriptions, toilet paper, a Lunchable for Madeline and caramel cashew mix for me.

An InStyle magazine was missing only due to forgetfulness and a need to get home quickly.

Just in case Thursday night was a repeat performance of Wednesday, we asked Jon and Janna if Madeline could spend the night so we didn't have to wake anyone up in the middle of the night.

That night made me realize I need to emotionally prepare for being away from Madeline when the baby is born. Oh my, how I missed that little girl. When she spends the night at the grandparents, we're usually out doing something fun and I'm distracted enough to not constantly remember she isn't by my side.

But going home to sit in bed and wait for excruciating pain to return? Worst distraction ever.

I am so thrilled to say the awful pain never came back and I feel so much better every day. I really hope the worst is behind me.

But I have to take some space just to say how awesome my husband is. I'll never forget that he was an amazing support during Madeline's birth but Wednesday night reminded me of exactly why I need him.

When I'm hurting, he never leaves my side. He rubs my back and neck when it helps. He just sits next to me when I can't handle being touched. He fully takes care of Madeline and the house without any questions because he already knows what needs to be done. He prays over me when I'm scared. He puts his hands on my belly when he prays for our baby. He is calm when I'm on the brink of melting down. He comforts me when I go ahead and cross the line of sanity.

He does everything I don't know I need. I love him so much and in a strange, twisted way, I'm looking forward to this baby's delivery because it really is a one-of-a-kind intense sweetness between a couple.

P.S. Also, this might be the kidney stones talking but I'm pretty sure Target's caramel cashew trail mix is injected with fall weather, a road trip, my family and all my other favorite things. It's now my version of crack.