The last couple of days have been rough. Caleb got Madeline's cold which has made him struggle even more and my heart can only take so much of watching him have a hard time.
I typed out a loooooooong post yesterday. I might publish it later but it was written from a much sadder place than I normally write. (It contained only one reference to "The Bachelor.") I'm not sure if I'll publish it because it was pretty dramatic which I know is hard to believe because I never toss around theatrical statements here.
But truthfully, I was overwhelmed by wanting my baby to just breathe normally, my impatience to listen to Madeline the way she needs to be listened to, the state of my house, my inability to make important deadlines, my inbox, and I just wanted pull my life together.
(Not. Dramatic. At. All.)
While Madeline was at preschool yesterday, I sat on the couch in my state of overwhelmed-ness, holding my congested, wheezing baby, watching "Doc Martin" and reading through my reader. And smelling of spit-up.
I know some people don't understand social media and blogging and Twitter and all that but often, God uses those mediums to reach me while I'm isolated at home, nursing on the couch or taking a five-minute break in the kitchen. And yesterday He knew exactly what I needed to hear to grasp onto hope again.
1. Free pass by Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary - If you're feeling like you can't do it all, please go read this post. Life is a mess. My life is a mess. I am so thankful God gives us a free pass in His sweeping grace. I am so thankful for reminders like this to just accept His grace and mercy and keep on trucking without trampling on His gifts. Also, this quote just might change my life: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." And we all said, "AMEN."
2. "Pray all messy like." - Someone commented this phrase on Heather's post and it really resonated with me. When I'm desperate, I just start praying in my head and it truly comes out all messy like. I need to be reminded that this shouldn't make me feel like a poser Christian. God wants all of me and if my words tumble out quickly and sometimes don't make sense, then maybe I'm praying more honestly than if I slowed down and tried to sound like what I think a good Christian should sound like.
3. The Foxhole Prayer by Rachel of The Lazy Christian - I guess I always thought these type of prayers were just wrong (because, remember, I always want to be the good Christian girl with beautiful, eloquent prayers) but I love how Rachel points out that God loves it when we're willing to be honest and vulnerable with him. If my vulnerability comes out in a messy-like, desperate foxhole prayer, then God will still be there, still loving on me and maybe I'll come out of it knowing Him better because I've accepted His love and grace yet again. There's some quote out there that I'll totally screw up but I think it goes something like this: "We will never know Him until we know how desperately we need him." And that is what I need right now, God. Only God. God who loves desperate, messy me.
There is freedom from my overwhelmed-ness and everything else and this freedom is only in Jesus. I just need to stand in it and keep on pushing on.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves
be burdened again by the yoke of slavery."