She's delightful and not afraid of lions

As old-fashioned as the word sounds, one of my favorite ways to describe Madeline is delightful.

Another favorite is enchanting. It makes me think of "You Got Mail" and twirling and my daughter.

When I think of her, I think of how much joy she brings to us. 

She sings around the house. 

She loves to be scared by her daddy. 

She prefers her socks to not match. 

She drinks tea with me in the morning. 

She is as girly as a 4-year-old girl can be and believes her brother needs to be jazzed up at every opportunity.

She is beautiful.

She is giggly and lovely and a hugger.

She is determined to teach her brother about everything in life.

 

We went to a baby shower yesterday for Erin and her coming-soon Ellie Kate. (Isn't that the cutest name??) 

Madeline loves Erin and I do too.

The shower was super thoughtful and beautiful. One of the activities was to fill out a wish list for Ellie Kate. (Kinda of like a sentimental mad libs where everyone completed the same set of questions. Super adorable. Go ahead. Steal the idea. It's worth it.)

I wrote one and then asked Madeline to fill one out. It was a glimpse into her heart and I realized I need to ask her questions like these more often. Here's what she chose.

Dear Ellie Kate,

I hope you learn the ABCs.

I hope you aren't afraid of lions.

I hope you love Mommy.

I hope you get an American girl doll.

I hope you laugh at knock-knock jokes.

I hope you never forget to go to The Children's Museum.

I hope you ignore not nice things.

I hope you become a doctor.

I hope you respect your friends.

I hope you grow up and be a chef.

Love,

Madeline

Oh, Madeline. I'm so glad you laugh at knock-knock jokes and realize it's important in life to go to The Children's Museum and learn the ABCs. I hope you always ignore the not nice things. I love you and you can be anything you want when you grow up.

 

Caleb: three months

Beautiful boy, you are three months old. It's hard for me to believe we've stared your face only 103 days because I swear I've been looking at you my entire life.

You have the sweetest, laid-back personality. You love to just take everything in and smile every time someone looks at you. For that reasons, you are veeeery distracting in Bible study and a charmer in the preschool hallway.

Daddy doesn't believe me but you laughed for the first time last week. No one witnessed it because Daddy was playing basketball and Madeline was asleep but you laughed for me. A big, deep, slow belly laugh. It was pretty fantastic.

You especially are entertained whenever Madeline is around. You love her and throw her some of your biggest smiles. My prayer is that you two are always friends and each other's greatest allies.

My little chunk, you weigh 13 pounds, 10 ounces and that's because you still love to eat every three hours. Without fail, I can know what time it is based on when you are calling for a meal.

You started having cooing conversations with us and those are the best. I could sit and coo with you all day. I can't wait to find out what you're thinking and if you're anything like your sister, when that day comes, I'll always know what you're thinking because you'll always share it.

Two weeks ago, we plopped you in the bumbo seat and you are super happy in it.

We sure love you but...dude. You are one high maintenance baby. You and I have gone to doctors more times in the last two months than I think we went during our entire pregnancy. You've already managed to do several things your big sister still hasn't done. 

Like, stay in the hospital. Get an ear infection. Get a sleep study. Get sleep apnea monitor.

Way to stand out, little dude.You know how to hold your own.

Whenever I need to give you a dose of medicine, my heart breaks for you because you never know if it's coming to your mouth, nose or eyes. At night, we call you our robot baby because of the cords coming out of your pajamas.

Your daddy and I laugh out loud every time we look at this photo. You just crack us up all the time.

Turtle, I still can't believe you're my baby. You are my baby boy and we love you to the moon and back.

You're the reason I come home

Joe and I don't have a lot of normal, doe-eyed, "aren't they in love" pictures together.

 

 2003

When a camera is in front of us, we tend to act like 5-year-olds.

 2005

I submit all these photos as proof.

2007

The day will come when Madeline and Caleb will try to remember how they turned out so normal when all photographic proof points towards having moronic parents.

2009

But we have photos like these because we have a lot of fun together. Hands down, there is no one else I want to spend every minute with, day in and day out. 

And we get to spend every day together because I am his and he is mine.

2005

Remember how I said last week has some awfully sad, dramatic moments with one reference to "The Bachelor" and I wasn't sure if I'd post some of it? Well, here is a smidgen of what I was thinking then.

Women on "The Bachelor" say they want a husband who promises a life of adventure, traveling, vineyards and never-ending grand romantic gestures.

I say you need a husband who wakes up to your crying in the dead of night, listens to you attempt to sob out your muddled thoughts and holds you while you cry yourself back to sleep.

I say you need a husband who closes the bedroom door and calls in late for work the next morning so you can sleep in while he dresses the kids, feeds the kids and has them ready to walk out the door for preschool when you finally come stumbling out.

I say you need a husband who calls to check on you and listens to you cry, unable to express your overwhelmed thoughts on failing at life but still tells you, "I think you're doing a great job."

I say you need a husband who brings home a case of root beer because he knows it makes everything a little bit better.

I say you need a husband who makes everything a million times better just because he comes home at the end of the day.

Because those nights and those days are gonna come and you will need your best friend to care for you and tell you you're doing great even if you feel like you're failing at everything.

"You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart, 

you're the reason I come home."

God and messy me

The last couple of days have been rough. Caleb got Madeline's cold which has made him struggle even more and my heart can only take so much of watching him have a hard time.

I typed out a loooooooong post yesterday. I might publish it later but it was written from a much sadder place than I normally write. (It contained only one reference to "The Bachelor.") I'm not sure if I'll publish it because it was pretty dramatic which I know is hard to believe because I never toss around theatrical statements here. 

But truthfully, I was overwhelmed by wanting my baby to just breathe normally, my impatience to listen to Madeline the way she needs to be listened to, the state of my house, my inability to make important deadlines, my inbox, and I just wanted pull my life together. 

(Not. Dramatic. At. All.)

While Madeline was at preschool yesterday, I sat on the couch in my state of overwhelmed-ness, holding my congested, wheezing baby, watching "Doc Martin" and reading through my reader. And smelling of spit-up.

I know some people don't understand social media and blogging and Twitter and all that but often, God uses those mediums to reach me while I'm isolated at home, nursing on the couch or taking a five-minute break in the kitchen. And yesterday He knew exactly what I needed to hear to grasp onto hope again.

1. Free pass by Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary - If you're feeling like you can't do it all, please go read this post. Life is a mess. My life is a mess. I am so thankful God gives us a free pass in His sweeping grace. I am so thankful for reminders like this to just accept His grace and mercy and keep on trucking without trampling on His gifts. Also, this quote just might change my life: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." And we all said, "AMEN."

2. "Pray all messy like." - Someone commented this phrase on Heather's post and it really resonated with me. When I'm desperate, I just start praying in my head and it truly comes out all messy like. I need to be reminded that this shouldn't make me feel like a poser Christian. God wants all of me and if my words tumble out quickly and sometimes don't make sense, then maybe I'm praying more honestly than if I slowed down and tried to sound like what I think a good Christian should sound like.

3. The Foxhole Prayer by Rachel of The Lazy Christian - I guess I always thought these type of prayers were just wrong (because, remember, I always want to be the good Christian girl with beautiful, eloquent prayers) but I love how Rachel points out that God loves it when we're willing to be honest and vulnerable with him. If my vulnerability comes out in a messy-like, desperate foxhole prayer, then God will still be there, still loving on me and maybe I'll come out of it knowing Him better because I've accepted His love and grace yet again. There's some quote out there that I'll totally screw up but I think it goes something like this: "We will never know Him until we know how desperately we need him." And that is what I need right now, God. Only God. God who loves desperate, messy me.

There is freedom from my overwhelmed-ness and everything else and this freedom is only in Jesus. I just need to stand in it and keep on pushing on.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. 

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves 

be burdened again by the yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1

Home is wherever I'm with you

Writing an update about Caleb’s hospitalization took longer than I thought but it’s because I’ve been snuggling with my babies, watching Super Bowl coverage, cutting red paper hearts and smacking kisses every chance I get.

Since I can be slightly long-winded, I’ll start with the end and say Caleb is doing great and we’re home.

Thursday was a roller-coaster day. Joe and I both woke up at 4:30 a.m. when Caleb woke to eat. His nurse said he had a great night and didn’t have any sleep apnea episodes. I was thrilled. Surely everything must be a mistake; he probably just had a bad sleep study on Tuesday night.

Joe and I couldn’t fall back asleep so our day had begun. We watched the thick fog roll in and cover Meridian Street. I read Isaiah 43 over and over again, remembering God’s faithfulness during my pregnancy with Caleb. (By faithfulness, I don’t mean the outcome but the fact that I was never alone.) We realized neither of us packed socks. We sipped grape juice and ate graham crackers. We watched “It’s a Brad Brad world.” We asked every person who entered the room if they thought something was wrong with our baby and what our day would look like.

On Wednesday night, our doctor had mentioned Caleb might need an MRI which would require him to be put under general anesthesia. I wanted answers but I really didn’t want that to happen.

I wanted answers but I just wanted to take him home.

Around 8 a.m., Caleb’s pediatrician came in to see our little guy. We pummeled him with questions but he hadn’t seen the sleep study results and couldn’t tell us much. He reassured us that Caleb is a strong baby and he was surprised to see us in the hospital.

We told him we were surprised too.

Around 10 a.m., we met the PICU doctor. He wanted a detailed history on everything Caleb. His first question: was it a normal pregnancy? Uh, no. How long has he been this noisy? Um…ever since I met my baby face-to-face.

Caleb’s history took forever to share but this doctor was so kind, so patient. We figured out his mom was my sophomore algebra teacher. (They have a unique last name.)

Finally we learned why everyone was so worried about our baby the night before. I asked if the sleep study could have been a mistake. The doctor gently said, “No. No, the results were impressive.” And I immediately knew impressive wasn’t a compliment.

On Tuesday night, Caleb had 200 sleep apnea episodes. He only slept five hours but stopped breathing 200 times. He experienced obstructive sleep apnea (something blocks the airway) and central sleep apnea (his brain doesn’t tell his body to breathe).

The good news (because only good news can follow a statement that bad) was each episode only lasted a few seconds and his oxygen levels remained high throughout the night.

So, you know, that was some good news.

Also, the hospital monitors were set up to catch sleep apnea episodes of longer than 10-15 seconds. So even though we thought Caleb didn’t have any episodes while in the hospital, he probably did but they weren’t sever enough for the monitors to catch them.

Slowly, it was beginning to all make sense.

The PICU doctor told us a Riley pulmonologist was looking over Caleb’s sleep study results and he would decide if any tests were necessary (especially the MRI) and what would happen next.

Around noon, we met the pulmonologist. He wanted to hear Caleb's history from us. Did we ever see Caleb turn blue? Thank God, no. Did we ever see him not breathe from 10, 15, even 30 seconds? Thank God, no!

This doctor explained everything looked awful for Caleb on paper. (In fact, the PICU doctor told us he hadn't seen such a bad sleep study in two years.) That's why they made us rush to the hospital when the initial results came in.

But the pulmonologist confirmed what we and Caleb's pediatrician have thought all along: Caleb is a strong, growing boy who has larynomalacia, bad reflux and super thick mucus. The doctor explained as long as Caleb has those three conditions swirling around, he would never have a normal sleep study. They will make him noisy and block his airway for a little bit at a time but it's nothing more serious.

Even though the sleep study showed central sleep apnea, sometimes laryngomalacia can make an obstructive episode appear central. The pulmonologist thought an MRI would be an unnecessary measure for a baby who is fine.

He said we could take home a sleep apnea monitor but if it made us more anxious or woke us up too often with false alarms, we could stop using it as long as Caleb continues to breathe and sleep like he does now.

I felt like I could breathe again.

Honestly, I felt like I could sleep again too. Even though we were still talking to the doctor, I wanted to curl up on the stiff, vinyl couch and pass out.

The doctor left and we ate lunch. I wanted to bury my face in all things dairy. (Hi, my name is Katie and I'm an emotional eater for chocolate, baked goods and heavy cream.) Instead I ate a grilled chicken sandwich.

We talked to both doctors some more. 

A nurse ordered our home monitor and asked us to watch a CPR training video.

I took a blissful 30-minute nap. 

We received in-depth training on the home monitor.

A nurse went over our discharge instructions.

I wanted everyone to please stop telling us how to dial 9-1-1 and do CPR at the same time.

By then, it was early evening and we packed up our precious baby and got out of Dodge.

We're doing really well at home. Caleb has slept great with the monitor, Joe and I are catching up on sleep and Madeline enjoying mucho Disney movies and PBS shows while resting with a bad cold.

We are so thankful for our sleepy baby.

An update on my little guy

Oh Turtle, your daddy and I love you so much.

The last 24 hours have been interesting. Caleb and I got home from his sleep study yesterday at 6 a.m. We were both pretty tired from the night before but I was glad to have it done and over with. The tech said it was successful but we wouldn't know any results for about two weeks.

We both fell back asleep, so grateful to be home. I slept for a bit and then called Caleb's doctor because a plugged tear duct got infected over the weekend and on Tuesday night, the pus had blood in it. (Sorry to be gross but it's important later on.) 

I took Madeline to preschool and Caleb and I headed over to BSF. He slept through most of it and I was wishing I could do the same. Some days I want to be carried around in a giant car seat with a warm fleece cover. Yesterday was one of those days.

We picked up Madeline and Blake from preschool and headed to Blake's house for a bit while Jenn picked up her tickets to Jimmy Fallon. (So jealous.)

Before we went to the doctor's office, we had to stop at Target to pick up diapers.

Know what's the worst possible time to try out cloth diapers? It's when your baby starts having crazy, multicolored diarrhea from switching to a new medicine, gets an infected eye and then has a sleep study. So many diapers to be washed. So little time to wash them. Dumb timing.

At the appointment, the doctor confirmed that the infection was definitely worse and put him on a stronger antibiotic to clear it up quickly so the infection wouldn't travel to his ears or anywhere else.

When Joe got home at 5:30 p.m., I immediately handed off both kids and crashed into bed. I was wiped.

Then just after 6 p.m., I woke up to a call from Caleb's doctor. We had to go immediately to the hospital. The preliminary results of the sleep study had too many abnormalities for him to sleep unmonitored. It was shocking and initially felt devastating.

My parents picked up Madeline, we stuffed a few things in a bag, sped up the road in tears and walked into a room prepared for him, all within 45 minutes.

We felt better after talking to the doctor here. While his sleep study wasn't good, the actual numbers on the report (whatever they are for) weren't in the doctor's hand so no one knows how bad the study was. Also, if Caleb is fighting a virus because of the eye infection, the sleep study could be inaccurate. Staying at the hospital last night was more precautionary than anything else.

The good news is Caleb slept really well last night, had good oxygen levels and didn't have any sleep apnea episodes. I'm really really hoping it was just a bad study.

Right now, we're waiting for the actual study results to get to the pulmonologist at the hospital. We're also waiting to see if Caleb shows any other signs of fighting a virus.

Depending on the new information that's coming, he'll have tests run today and we might be here for a bit. We really just don't know at this point.

But thankfully, he's an overall strong and healthy boy. We are so so thankful for that.

Please pray for the doctors and wisdom for them to determine what to do, pray for Caleb to get better if he is fighting a virus and pray that Joe and I can clearly process everything they tell us.

I'll keep updating if I can when we get new information.

Love my Touchdown Turtle.