Well, 20 years from now, I'll be able to look back and know that on January 8, 2013, Joe and I watched "The Bachelor."
Our kids will forever treasure this post.
I first got sucked in the Bachelor/Bachelorette vortex after watching a million plus one commercials on the epic Jake and Vienna (AKA Crazy Eyes) finale. I knew absolutely nothing of the season but after those teaser clips, I HAD to watch that finale. Since then, I've watched the seasons with Ali, Ben and Emily.
While I'm not proud of that, I've since made peace with my trashy TV-loving side. She likes to come out after 8 p.m., brings horrible cravings for junk food and root beer, convinces me to buy the next "OK" magazine and then yells at me for not having cable (read: Bravo).
One of these days, I might even name this side of me. Maybe something like Nikki or Roxie or Candy.
Anyways, my dear sister-in-law (who shall remain nameless unless I have her permission to out her) texted me last week to see if I was planning on watching to upcoming season. I may have typed back, "I'm sure I will," but in my head, I was thinking, "YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS."
Here are some of my thoughts after watching last night's episode.
- Every one of these episodes really is the same. The lines like "I believe my wife is in that room"and "I didn't come here to make friends with the girls" are so overused that the words don't even register but instead sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.
- Two seconds into the show featured a group of bikini-clad women running on the beach. I bet $100 none of these women just had a root beer and two (maybe four) slices of garlic bread for dinner. Why do I watch when we clearly had nothing in common?
- Sean is too normal for this show so they had to bring Arie back to teach him how to kiss. "Where am I going with my hands?" is currently in a 13-way tie for most awkward line of the evening.
- Why do I watch this show? Because when I hear Sean say, "I truly believe my wife will step out of the limo tonight," I laugh out loud at the TV but inside I'm whispering, "Me too, Sean." I can't resist solidarity in his optimism.
- Um, did anyone else catch that sheer stomach wedding dress during Desi's intro? She actually called that dress beautiful and I can't go for a girl with no taste. (Says the girl who is currently wearing an Old Navy fleece and smudgy eye make-up.)
- Confession: I actually teared up during the show. I would hang my head in shame but I defy anyone to hear AshLee E.'s story about her adoptive parents promising to tell her every day that they love her and not be moved.
- To the Girl Who Attempted Gymnastics But Instead Fell Over on the Driveway: Oh honey. All of us who watched died a little inside too.
- After Tierra received the super early first impression rose, someone said watching her walk into the house was, "like, literally an animal attack on the eyeballs." I'm assuming a lot here but I doubt this woman has ever been attacked by an animal if she compares it to a woman in sequins carrying a flower. I also plan to slip this line in five conversations throughout the week. I'll check back in with you on my progress.
- The "Hi Ken, I'm Barbie" line made me realize there are literally 10,000 other things I should be doing.
I feel very, very loved because he actually did this. Bless his heart, he even timestamped his comments. I love him.
8:01 p.m.: About one minute into the preview of “this season on the Bachelor” and I am teeming with regret for telling Katie I’d watch the show with her.
8:30 p.m.: The political consultant working in DC doesn’t like politicians. Is that like a vegetarian working for McDonald's?
8:42 p.m.: Sean said he likes Daniella’s secret handshake but he really means, "don’t touch me again."
8:45 p.m.: The engineer who said engineers tend to be socially awkward just again proved it. Sorry Robyn, there is no hope for girls that can't finish backflips. I wish Sean did a McKayla Is Not Impressed face after she fell.
9:00pm: Lesley's whole football play scheme to check out his butt is also called “sexual harassment.”
I was impressed he made it an hour but then I lost him to the BCS game, the Internet and possibly even couch lint. I don't blame him. Anyone else going to watch this season?